Tipsy Blogging: This can't be a good idea

Alright, let's do this. I have nothing to say and want to post about as much as I want to shoot a staple through my eye, but here we go. Sorry to be cantankerous. It's the heat, which is not scheduled to end... ever. I've mostly been lying around eating freeze pops and complaining. It won't be long before the fire department has to saw a hole in my roof and lift me out with a crane.

Before we get started, you should know that I'm slightly distracted because I'm getting emails from Kathy as we speak. She has urgent breaking news as she thinks she's finally discovered the elusive "runner's high", whose existence we've always been uber skeptical of. Here's the problem. She got the "runner's high" in her pool. I'm suggesting to her that you can't get "runner's high" from swimming and what she has is actually a run of the mill case of oxygen deprivation.

OK, come back to me. I have big style news for you inspired by the August issue of Vogue. I hadn't looked at Vogue in ages. I let my subscription lapse after my Big Conversion of 2008ish which was accompanied by a priority shift that left no room for fashion. But lately I've been all Jacob wrestling with the angel (I'm referring, specifically, to the version depicted by Gauguin in his Vision After the Sermon, 1888.) and I picked up a copy. OK, that doesn't make a lot of sense. But I've been getting my ass kicked Old Testament style and just wanted to read about 37 yr old Gwyneth and her flat tummy and was surprised to be treated to fresh inspiration for my Fall wardrobe. Are you ready? Pajama tops.

Witness Gwyneth as photographed by Mario Testino for the issue.

In the first image, Gwyneth is wearing a top by Olatz. That's a line designed by Olatz Schnabel the wife of artist Julian Schnabel. Pretty chic, right? The shirt in the second image may be even better. It's by Pink Tartan. Pajama tops as day ware paired with a jean is perfect for me because I'm awake at all hours and then I'll just crash. So how great to be ready for either occurrence. Of course this is very different situation from the people you see going into the Walmart in pajama bottoms as our look is endorsed by Vogue. You can read about the virtue of pajama tops here. They've already worked it all out for us. According to the article, the look is very sexy as it is reminiscent of "a woman falling out of bed with her boyfriend’s pajama shirt on and running out the door to work."

Oh, if I had a nickle for every time I fell out of bed in my boyfriend's shirt and ran out the door to work. Yup, don't make me say it, zero nickles.

Speaking of boyfriends, is anyone watching the NBC program Last Comic Standing? I have a major thing for one of the judges. Guy on the Right. That's not his real name. There's Andy, The Girl Judge, and Guy on the Right. Don't rush to check him out, though. He's not universally appealing. But he's just my type because a)he's not universally appealing b)he's got that dark thing c)he's funny and d)he's smart. He gives very intelligent sensitive feedback y'all. For example, he talked to Mike with a Q about managing applause in a way that doesn't interfere with his comedic timing. That's technical insider shit. Love it. My man. Guy on the Right. Call me.

OK, Kathy update. She's really committing to her thesis. Look at this:

I had gotten fatigued after about 20 laps then suddenly it was effortless and I did 25 more. Even then I only stopped because I had a cramp in my foot. It seemed like something kicked in. Like you are suggesting, it certainly could be oxygen deprivation or my body going into shock or something, but whatever is was, I hope I get it again soon. I can't wait to try tomorrow night.

What the hell is that? She's leaving my world for another- the world of the six pack abs. I'm a stranger to that place. If she passes me on the street and feels like she can't acknowledge me, I'll understand. It's the beginning of the end for us.

I have an opening for a new friend if anyone is interested. Know that I'm high maintenance. I need constant reassurance. In return, though, I'll astound you with my quick wit and insightful observations. I'll never tell you you drink too much and I've been making a real effort to hug more. You can let me know.

Anyway, moving forward... Get the August issue. It's full of good stuff, like a first person account of an older woman dating a younger man in the "Up Front" section. I'd never do it, in fact, I deeply regret not marrying someone much older than me, but I'm vain. I often think how good I'd look next to the fifty year old version of Mr. Blyleaf. Hindsight. What can you do? There's a nice profile of Alexa Chung who- fyi- adorable. Miranda Brooks's wedding is in there. You'll find a great little piece on how Stacy Goodman dresses for work. How Stacy Goodman dresses for work is a big deal because beside being Tonne Goodman's sister she's also the Senior Consultant of Pre Colombian Art at Sotheby's. Isn't that the chicest job title ever? Well, that and Secretary of State. But you can't go back. I'll never be either. In fact, I'm more likely to be Anonymous Girl doing Meaningless Work in Taupe Office Cube come Fall. (Mr Byleaf remains quite serous about me getting a job.) And there are not a lot of 67 year olds I take as inspiration, but is there anyone who doesn't love Mikyuki Hatoyama? The former Prime Minister of Japan's wife? Anyone? No? Well, you should read about her. She's fantastic. Oh, one last highlight. There's a little article by Vicki Woods, accompanied by an excerpt from Antonia Fraser's new book, Must You Go? My Life with Harold Pinter. I'm in awe of people who are confident enough to chart their own courses like those two did. Fuck rules. I may read it. But probably not. But maybe. I did read Fraser's Marie Antoinette biography years ago. And I've so had it with fiction. I really need a break from fiction asap. Those are just the highlights.

That all should be more than one paragraph, shouldn't it? Sorry.

You'll also want to pick up the July/August issue of Elle Decor . It's got an article by my idol, the amazing Julia Reed about some couple in New Orleans who appear to have little regard for tradition. 'We're young, and we didn't want to interfere with all the green going on outside.' 'New Orleans can sometimes feel a little one-note.' 'Trevor grew up in formal spaces, and he wanted our house to be more welcoming.' Aren't those oddly biting quotes for a profile in a shelter magazine?

For more Julia, look at the August Town & Country. Great story about a home in Atlanta decorated by Miles Redd. If I could afford him, he'd be my guy. Here's his portfolio. And the cover story is about Julianne Moore. Love Julianne Moore.

Holy mackerel, Kathy just sent me an email in which she refers to me as "dude". How long before her first triathlon? That's what I'd like to know. Swim, bike, run! Who are those people? They don't take bathroom brakes, you know. They just pee down their legs. Are you ready for that, Kathy? Those are your new friends. Enjoy.

That's all I've got.