The One Where I Talk About Your Mother

I've just got a few things to say about Mother's Day. Things like I hate Mother's Day and what the hell is up with all of the brunch and potted plants?

I thought I was the only one. But, of course, that's never true. Today I was listening to my favorite radio show (Mel Robbins on 96.9 Boston Talks) and discovered there are others like me. It's a hard holiday (Is it even a holiday?) to get behind when you have a challenging relationship with your mother. You should see me in the Hallmark store searching for a card that doesn't use the word love or make reference to good parenting. It's nearly impossible. Because apparently everyone has a fantastic relationship with their mothers. Everyone except me and the listeners of the Mel Robbins show.

Here's what I'm looking for. I'd like a card that says something like:

Thank you for treating me like an unbearable burden. It was a joy to grow up feeling worthless and unlovable. As a result, nearly every relationship I've ever had has been informed by a charming combination of desperation and gratitude. You can imagine the healthy choices that led to. But, hey, the Hamburger Helper was delicious and you did manage to keep a roof over my head so thanks. I hope your day is not unpleasant.

But they don't make that card.

I also hate husbands buying Mother's Day gifts for their wives. Not that it's any of my business, but I couldn't help but notice that your wife is not your mother. She may be a mother, but she's not yours. I would think that would be fairly obvious. We don't do that around here. I don't generally care to receive gifts anyway. I can't take the pressure of the big reaction. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for a romantic gesture (although never on Mother's Day). Just don't wrap it up and put a bow on it because I may not be able to give you what you need in return.

But enjoy your brunch. Bring me back a croissant if you think of it.

What did I tell you about the personal and the dark? Sorry everyone. Everyone being you ten people. Next time it will be all sunshine and rainbows. Who wants a Friday Night Lights recap? Hooray!