Fashion Friday: Where I Over Share

Before we get started, I'm just going to advise any fellas reading today to skip this and come back tomorrow. In fact, I'm going to have to insist on it. We'll have to work on the honor system of course, but that's fine because I know I can trust you.

Goodbye.

I'm serious. We'll wait.

Alright then. Today marked a definitive shift in priorities for me. I could either spend the day at the big annual Corgi specialty or Shelley could see me for some... um... personal grooming. This was a hard decision because the last day of school is Monday and I've got precious little time left that is solely my own. In a decision that shocked even myself, I decided to skip the dog show. I haven't missed this particular show in five years, but swimsuit season is here and Boxboro is pretty far to drive just to have my outsider status reinforced so there you have it. Unfortunately, things didn't go as well as I'd hoped. I'll get to that later.

First, you should know that I'm a relative newcomer to this particular procedure. I'm just old enough that I didn't grow up paying any special attention to my nether regions. We just didn't do it. But I have been Making an Effort lately which is how I came to address this area.

FYI- Here's what not to do during your inaugural bikini wax.

1. Don't go into the little treatment room with the total stranger who will be administering the treatment and, while you're taking off your pants, tell her you're VERY EXCITED! Because while your friends understand that you get VERY EXCITED! at the drop of a hat, total strangers do not and this could lead her to believe you've maybe misunderstood what will be taking place.

2. Don't explain that you're hoping for a more modern look. This will only confuse her. You're basically limited to two options: traditional and Brazilian. Any attempt to further refine those categories by, let's say, referencing isosceles triangles, for example, will likely go unappreciated.

3. Don't get nervous and start rambling about how thoroughly you've showered and that you hope she finds your bikini region satisfactory. This is neither the time nor the place to fish for compliments. You may have been regarded as a wee bit eccentric before, but now you're a total freak and that will be noted in your official salon record which, unlike the fictitious Permanent Record, exists. And is permanent.

4. It is not necessary to bring an underware wardrobe with you. The bikini waxer will not help you choose the style that is most conducive to an optimum waxing experience. She doesn't care. She wants you to lay down and shut up. She's had quite enough of you at this point.

Look, I'm not saying I've done any of those things (yeah, all of them). I'm just recommending that you don't.

Unfortunately and quite shockingly, I'm sure you'll agree, things aren't working out with my bikini waxer. Shelley and I have ideological differences that can't be overcome. This wasn't anything that I would have ever anticipated, but it turns out Shelley, who- FYI- is in her 50's, has very strong opinions regarding the aging vagina. She insists they should remain covered, subjected only to very minimal waxing. Obviously that makes no sense. The bikini area is the one area of our bodies that alludes the punishing UV Rays of the sun so I'm not sure what's really motivating her vaginal ageism, but I can't condone it. Shelley is fired.

In fashion news, I have an update for you regarding the purse/shoes situation. I found the greatest clutch. It's this fantastic tan burlapy looking thing with a big pinky peachy flower attached. Look.


Cute, right? It matches everything.

But the shoes. I just don't know. Giving up the Birkenstocks has been really hard, mostly because I can't find a suitable replacement. I hate every flat I've looked at. I have plenty of awesome heels in my closet ready to go, but heels everyday just doesn't work for my lifestyle. I live in the country. It would just be ridiculous.