Good Chuck with That

I thought I could cruise through the parenting years without ever going into a Chuck E. Cheese. I know. Call me naive.

We were invited to a Chuck E. Cheese birthday party this weekend for one of Lauren's classmates. I decided to accept since I declined the last birthday party invite we received and, as much as I'd like to, we can't just be completely anti-social. Well we could, but I believe that's frowned upon by the so-called "experts." Hmmm...I wonder where the "experts" stand on a pretentious little rodent who has the nerve to use both a last name and a middle initial. Giveme A. Break.

Anyway, the last invite, the one we declined, was for a pool party for the sweetest kid in the world that, unfortunately, required the itty bitty party guests to be accompanied into the pool by their parents. I don't know whatever happened to lifeguards. But there was no way I was going to parade around in a swimsuit in front of a bunch of people I'll be interacting with for the rest of our children's school years. And I didn't especially want to see any of them in their swimsuits either. Boundaries, people. Once you cross them you can't ever go back. You can't ever un-see someone in a swimsuit. You can't ever un-see someone's ghostly white thighs.

So I said yes to the Chuck.

I'll tell you all about it, but, you should know right up front, it was a completely non-hilarious experience. Ready? Let's go.

Despite the raging winds of a spring storm, despite the weatherman on TV using ominous phrases like "wall of water," we loaded into the minivan and headed down the highway to the Chuck E. Cheese, just a giant cliche on wheels. Upon entering, we hit a deafening wall of sound and I knew immediately that this experience would be the opposite of being alone on the sofa reading a book. FYI-alone on the sofa reading a book is my happy place. We said hello to the tiny host and his parents and headed out with our cupful of tokens for all kinds of fun. Lauren was eager to try the germ tubes. I don't believe that's their official name.

While she frolicked, I came up with a few key tips for parents. May I share them with you now?

Tip #1: Slip on shoes for your child are a must as some of the activities are socks only. I didn't know that. Consequently, I ended up squatting down to tie Converse All Stars about five gillion times. My quads look great! I'm kidding. I don't even know which ones are my quads. Although, I believe they are generally in the leg-ish region.

Tip #2: There is no bar. I know this because I was fortunate to meet up with a pair of my favorite parents and the mom and I immediately set out to find the bar. There was none. But there should have been.

Tip #3: Meet up with a pair of your favorite parents. Presumably, these people will have a similar world view and spending time with them will make you feel less crazy. Also, while you and the mom set out to find the non-existent bar, the dad can follow your children around with a cupful of tokens keeping them amused and safe.

Tip#4: Be ready when, on the way home, your kid tells you she had so much fun that she'd like to have her birthday party there. To help you out, I'd like to suggest the following responses: having your party there would be redundant; as a courtesy to the other children's parents, we'll be selecting a venue with a liquor license; don't worry about it because if I trip over Tinkerbell and/or one of her buddies from Pixie Hollow one more time, you're not having a party.

In summary, it was exhausting. When we got home I changed into my pajamas and spent the rest of the day on the sofa.

Also, I didn't watch Amazing Race for the second week in a row. Last week I had the Oscars and this week I got all wrapped up in "Who Framed Jesus?" on the Discovery channel. It was fantastic. The program looked at the last week of Jesus' life all CSI-style. And it was in HD. Plus they cast super good looking Apostles. I'm just saying.