Seriously, how do you get to be that hot? I asked a friend who is a pro/am ballroom dancing champ if her tummy looks like that and she said no, that you've got to dance for like eight hours a day to make that happen. I don't know about you all, but I think it might be worth it.
I'd also just like to take a minute to express my excitement that DWTS is actually trying to teach us some official dance moves. The new thing they're doing where the pros come out and demonstrate specific things to look for in the upcoming dances like Viennese Crosses, Contra Checks, and Rope Spins is fantastic. I may actually learn something. Not that total ignorance prevents me from expressing my opinion. Let me prove that to you now.
Erin & Maks
This was all kind of messy and boring. Erin was always a step behind and getting tossed about by Maks. Not that that isn't every girl's dream. But in terms of the actual dance, I'm not sure it was a plus.
Evan & Anna
OK, so I have a new rule for the dancers. Don't bring out chairs and other props. They irritate me. Also, if you have gigantic feet, you shouldn't wear shiny shoes. That's a tip useful on the dance floor and off. Evan & Anna's crazy disco tango made me miss Dance Fever. Wasn't that the best show? And it was over and done with in like a half hour. You didn't have to commit two nights a week to it. Plus the contestants got the expert opinions of celebrity judges like Peaches & Herb.
Niecy & Louie
This dance was a tribute to Niecy's deceased brother in which Niecy demonstrates, via a sexy Rumba, "life on the other side of suffering." Naturally. I mean, what says I miss my brother more than flinging a leg up over some man's shoulder or grinding all up on his private parts? Thank you for this unique combination of sad and creepy. You're blazing trails in the world of dance. Sad, sad, creepy trails.
Aiden & Edyta
It was a great strategy to dress Aiden in gray and have him mostly just stand still while Edyta did her thing in a teeny tiny silver outfit. I'm not even kidding. It was a good decision. Because did you even notice Aiden? Probably not. Unfortunately, the judges were not so easily distracted and so Aiden and Edyta are gone. And DWTS just lost it's entire male viewership.
Nicole & Derek
Kind of totally boring. But Derek cracked me up with his love hand.
Jake & Chelsie
You know who does a great Tango? Pierce Brosnan and Rene Russo in The Thomas Crown Affair. But this was nice too with all of the almost falling down, etc.
Kate & Tony
At least the thing she did this week could actually be called dancing. Bad dancing. But dancing. It's so hard for me to put aside my personal feelings and look at her performances objectively. I actually tried praying for her a little bit last week because I hate how it feels to harbor such negative feelings toward another person. Then I watch the rehearsal footage where she insists on framing herself as a victim and I just get irritated all over again. During all of the standing still and complaining that they call rehearsal, Kate actually said, "That's how I've been living for two years. Every day it's there's something huge. I wake up and check the news to see what my day is going to bring me..." So how about this? Maybe don't start the day by checking the news. Maybe start the day on your knees thankful that you've got approximately a dozen healthy, smart, adorable children and the means to support them. Or just do whatever you want. What do I know? Tony stated his intention to do a "crazy ass routine." Lucky for him he's got a crazy ass partner. I'm fast forwarding over them next week.
Chad & Cheryl
Is that color puce? Are they wearing puce? No matter. Chad is improving so much. I know he dragged Cheryl across the floor in a decidedly inelegant way and, when he did that move where you've got to sort of drop your partner to the ground, it looked like he was going to break her neck, but other than that, I'm not sure what there was to be displeased with. Way to work the hip action, big guy.
Pamela & Damien
After I watched their routine, I got down on the floor to do a split. I'm not exactly sure what compelled me except that it's really striking me that Pamela's forty two. Forty two. Years old. And she's in amazing shape and that Rumba was breathtakingly beautiful. So I thought maybe I could, at the very least, just do a quick split. The details of what happened next aren't important. I'll just tell you this, it wasn't necessarily my finest moment. And we'll leave it at that.
Well, this has been fun. Now begins the very busy part of my week and you can rest assured that I intend to tackle it with all of the flexibility and grace of a person many years my senior.
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