Geoffrey Giraffe, I'll see you in Hell

Having children opens you up to a whole new world of experiences. That's not anything you don't already know. What doesn't make it onto the embroidered pillows, however, is the fact that many of the new experiences you'll have totally suck.

I'd only been to the Toys R Us once before. It was a long time ago and I've mostly blocked the memory from my mind. I have that gift. I can tell you, though, that I was only in there because it was the holiday season and we had been given a gift card that would have been silly not to use for a little Christmas shopping. FYI- I'm not really in a position to speak for Jesus, but I'm fairly certain that, had he been there on that particular afternoon and seen the things I had, he might have said something along the lines of man, you people have really f''ed this whole thing up. But, like I said, I'm not really authorized to speak on his behalf.

Right. So this weekend I found myself at the Toys R Us once again. This time for a birthday gift for one of Lauren's sweet classmates. Buying gifts stresses me out even under the best of circumstances. I can't just pick anything up. My ego is hugely invested in finding just the right thing. It's something I agonize over even though I know it's completely ridiculous. For the last birthday party we attended, I actually thought I demonstrated tremendous personal growth by picking up a Transformer toy from the Target after visiting the toy aisle to contemplate my intended purchase fewer than a dozen times. But the birthday boy was given the very same Transformer from another party guest and I still haven't been able to shake it. Sometimes I'll be at a stoplight, for example, and my mind will drift to back to the moment he pulled our gift out of someone else's gift bag. Oh, the shame. I'm not sure why I consider it such an utter social failing, but I do. So this time I embraced my neurosis and exerted real effort. I began by ambushing the birthday girl at school and asking her if there was anything special she wanted for her birthday. She thought a fake hamster would be perfect. Fantastic. I happen to know that fake hamsters are sold under the brand name Zhu Zhu Pets and that they were all the rage at Christmas. Unfortunately, Zhu Zhu Pets are not carried by the Target which is how I found myself 45minutes from home on a cold drizzly morning in the third circle of hell, I mean Toys R Us.

Having been there twice now, I regard myself as somewhat of an expert. It's an ugly dingy store and, here's the big problem, it's full of hyper children and their world class parents. And everybody in there is screaming at each other. I have no idea what that's about. Just screaming. If you think you might need help, be forewarned, there's no staff to be found anywhere, but don't worry. You really won't need them. The store is organized in a very logical manner. It is divided into pink and blue. The pink section is where you can find all of the toys for girls and the blue section is where you can find all of the toys for boys. Because pink is feminine and blue is masculine, dumb ass. And if you've got a vagina it means you like dolls. And if you've got a penis it means you like trucks. Obviously. What are you, stupid?

But let's not worry about being reductive when there's a Zhu Zhu Pet to be purchased. I wandered around the pink section until I stumbled upon said hamsters and immediately fell victim to the paradox of choice. Turns out there are like a zillion different Zhu Zhu Pets. That hadn't occurred to me. Did the birthday girl want any fake hamster or was there a specific one she had in mind? Is Chunk cooler than Zum Zum or is Scooter the way to go ? And what about accessories? I should have known there would be accessories. I mean, speedboat, surfboard, deluxe baby hamster stroller? It was overwhelming. Normal people would have grabbed anything within reach. I called the birthday girl's mommy. A woman I've never met.

I'm in the Toys R Us and I'm freaking out. You wouldn't believe this place. There are kids everywhere. It's ridiculous. So which one of these Zhu Zhu Pets....

Oh, could you not get her a Zhu Zhu Pet?

Umm. OK, but, see, I asked her and... Alright, whatever. So what should I get? What does she like?

Well, let's see... Barbies... umm scientific things... and, believe it or not, dinosaurs.

Wow. No. Actually, I don't believe it. Because everybody knows dinosaurs are over in the blue section. You must be mixing her up with some little boy child.

This put me in quite a predicament. I was left with the choice of a scientific thing, which I couldn't get because what the hell is a scientific thing, and a Barbie. Only I'm anti-Barbie. Could I possibly buy a Barbie? I mean, if her very own mother said it would be OK... but then I had a vision of that precious little girl as a teenager vomiting up her dinner and I knew I'd never be able to go through with it. But I had to do something and right quick. I was getting light headed. I had to get out of that store with a gift. I wouldn't let that place defeat me. I mustered my strength and called an audible. I grabbed a fake cat that walks and purrs. I figured it was Zhu Zhu adjacent, so odds were good that she would like it.

Then I drove away from that store clinging to the sweet promise I whispered to myself as I passed through the sliding glass doors. Goodbye forever, Toys R Us. And Geoffrey Giraffe, I'll see you in hell.

Only this epic saga isn't over quite yet. There was still the actual birthday party to attend.

I've never been bowling. Because rented shoes + lots of noise = no thank you. But a mother's love knows no bounds... Well, I shouldn't give myself too much credit. I didn't actually do any bowling. I think it was enough that I brought Lauren there and instructed her to Just go ahead and do whatever Sarah does. You see, I'm raising a leader.

In all honesty, the party was quite a lot of fun. The kids had a great time. There was pizza and cake and balloons. You know, birthday stuff. I particularly enjoyed watching the children wrestle each other for bowling balls as they shot out of the ball returner thingy. And I even think the birthday girl may have liked her gift. I can't be certain. I could only see the back of her head. I'd say it was all worth it.